Where have you gone?


Where have you gone, O dear one?

Leaving me alone in this world of insane

Where each step I take is a blackhole

And each word I say is a gunshot at me…

Where have you gone, O dear one?

Leaving me alone in this palace we called home?

That is now full of demons,

Pulling me apart

Where have you gone, O dear one?

leaving me alone on my own

where i try to survive like a plant

that is expected to flourish in conditions so wrong…

Where have you gone, O dear one?

In my hour of need, you were the only one…

to talk sense in to me, to show me the light…

and now there’s nothing but darkness like deep night …

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Postnatal Depression


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It is real.  As real it can be.  Like the setting of the sun, one can feel their *energy,* their *positivity,* their *beliefs,* all fading to black — all disappearing away as if they never were there.  And you keep looking for it, but it’s like going in circles.

When I look back now, I can see how hard it was.  But I’m happy and grateful that I survived through it.  But most of all, grateful to know who really matters now.  You see, people mostly curse the bad weather, the bad luck, problems, difficulties; but what they don’t realize is that in the end, these all will actually be the ones to help you know who your sincere friends are, who are your true well-wishers, who can you rely on in future.

I can remember struggling everyday.  Everyday it would be same, difficulty getting up, not willing to go out or do anything, living like a zombie, and to make it worse, everyone telling me in someway or the other that i wasn’t doing right that the house is a mess, and I’m not feeding my son properly that’s why he doesn’t sleep because his tummy isn’t full, that he should be sitting by now or crawling by now, or doing this or doing that — errr, it was annoying to the core.  To make it worse, my upcoming trip.  I started being allergic to people yet I had to see them everyday, and I hated it, particularly the ones who made me feel more and more down while I was trying so damn hard to be lively, for the sake my son.  He was the only ray of hope I had.  I remember being so mad at times that I would snap in front of him, sometimes I would even want to hit him if he would cry just when I was breaking apart, but then I would look at him and shake myself and hug him and cry and apologize my munchkin for being such a bad mum.  I remember trying to keep my condition hidden yet crying out for help but yet there were really few people who actually heard it, there were really few people who actually listened and understood and helped me through.  And yet the ones I was really looking for to help me through, they were the ones who were too close yet too far.  In fact, they were the first to push me further into the black-hole that I was so desperately wanting to escape from.

But now when I look back, I see myself being through hell, yet making it till here.  The people who pushed me further into darkness are still here, and they somehow still push me but the difference is, that now I can handle and cope in a better way.  Now I have created this wall which they may not see, but it helps me keep them away from entering my head.  Though, at times they manage to get in through the cracks.  But yet… It is much better.  Much much MUCH better.  And so I know, that postnatal depression is real but so is the fact that it will go away…  You just need to take the first step of asking for help…

I am grateful for having few, but reliable people in my life along-with strangers who helped me through it.  Of course it was part of their job; my support worker, my counselor, & my health visitor, but still I am grateful for them for taking out time to help me through, and for doing their job really well.

So here’s to those mums who are still fighting with depression, if you are reading this, know that you are not alone.  You WILL get through it, you just have to hold on.  Even if holding on means repeating each day the same way, still, hold on.  This dark feeling will go away.  Just don’t give up.  Share it with your GP, share it with your family/friends.  Don’t hesitate.  AND DON’T LET THEIR JUDGEMENT AND LOOKING DOWN ON YOU EFFECT YOU.  It won’t be easy, trust me, I know.  It will be hard.  Sometimes even your dear ones will judge you and probably try to shush you by saying you’re making a fuss.  but DON’T GIVE UP.  Think about you, and your child(ren).  As long as they are healthy and happy, you’re doing great.  Forget if house is a mess.  Focus on yourself and your child(ren), everything else won’t matter.

And then, one day, the sun will shine back in your soul and everything will be calm and clean like after rain… and flowers will bloom again… So just hold on, have faith, and don’t give up.  You’re not alone.  I may not be with you but remember that somewhere in this world, probably even in your own neighborhood, there is someone, fighting the same battle as you, and some who have fought and won.

Missing simple things in life


And then she picked up her laptop and decided to write what she was feeling…

So it is my first official blog post of sharing my feelings and views ever since I got married?  Of course the Maleficient one is just a movie review so that doesn’t really count, unless it does.  Never mind… I have been willing to write for quite a time now and sometimes I even did but that was mostly in my head.  So what is it motivated me to grab my laptop and write now?  The answer is simple… Missing family, have too much of time to myself… and most importantly wanting to share with someone but yet not knowing with whom should I share it with?

Alhumdulillah all went well, got married, moved to UK, and now enjoying the blessed month, Ramadan Kareem.  And yet here I am feeling empty.  I know, a lot of you might suggest to pray, read Quran, check online tutorials for learning something, increase my knowledge, etc but truth is, for a person like me, sometimes even that is not enough, and sometimes I don’t even feel motivated to do that.  Being a person who is easily bored, and who has lived most of her life with her choices, her decisions, compliments and encouragement, all of a sudden the life is just not the same.

I live with really nice family, my mother in law even prepares the whole iftar and food for sehri and all I have to do is either set the table or sometimes not even that and just have to clean it after Iftari, wash the dishes, and that’s it.  Yes, sometimes put clothes in laundry, ironing, or dusting the house while my brother in law would vacuum it… So now, one may ask, with such an easily life why am I still not content?  Actually, Alhumdulillah I am content but I guess just missing the feeling that I used to have back in home…  I cannot define it… I don’t even know what it is or how to get it back… But I still miss it… I pray to Allah and ask HIM to help me out and perhaps HE is helping me, it is just me who is unable to see how…

Sometimes I wonder if it is missing the whole energetic enthusiasm of Ramadan in our home where we would divide chores, sometimes fight, either of us will either have a request or where I will try a new recipe on either daily or sometimes weekly basis and then have the critics and compliments… Or whether it was not liking Mum’s made dahi baray but asking Dad to bring ‘em and then he would bring meethay dahi baray and fish pakoray and laung chiray… And we would all be wondering would it be left for us later or not… That sitting late at night with mum and bhai and making samosays and then picking up whether it would be chicken or qeema, but definitely an aalo samosa in the menu… That keeping a whole bottle of tang for myself and teasing mum that she can’t have as they have their Rooh Afza so Tang is just for me… That whispering to dad or bhai to ask either of the other two to make post-iftar tea…

Yes, life was a bit complicated then… sometimes even annoying… but with simple, nothing-much-to-do here life, I miss the feeling of happiness… the little moments of joy that I received when dad bought something for me at iftari, or when me and bhai would divide chores and while I made fruit chaat and juice, he would fry samosas and pakoras, and mum’s cholay with imli ki chatni…. Not to forget, sharing same taste…  Sometimes even having arguments pre or post sehri or complaining how only one has to do the cleaning… Sometimes bhai or me, or ammi washing the dishes and sorting the leftovers to be kept in fridge….

That making bhai take me for at least a day’s shopping when I would need to buy jootis or chooriyan…

Yes… Life is better in many ways… Alhumdulillah… blessed…. but with all great things, I am missing the simple things more… Whether it be Mum’s chholay & samosay, bhai’s pampering, dad’s bringing home dahi baray, fish pakoray, & laung chiray, or making the elder twos make tea, or perhaps trying new recipes and acting like a cook for my blog or instagram… I miss it all… all that we take for granted… miss it more… daily… everyday…

Where do I belong?


It would seem rather a stupid question to ask… from strangers… or known…  but still, asking… Where do I belong?  … It seems like most of my views are those that fit in with history but not current situations… Though, almost 28… I’m still too young to be part of quite old history and yet, growing up with all these people from my generation and well slightly older than me, I still fail to agree with them on where it counts the most… Esp. when it comes to live life the better way, the solutions of problems… I’m born in a Muslim family, Alhumdulillah… live in a Muslim neighborhood, went to schools, can’t say Muslim as it doesn’t characterize, I mean is the subject of Islamiat enough to call it a Muslim school?  Lets be realistic, even convent schools in Pakistan teach Islamiat… So moving on, I’m surrounded by 99.5% Muslims in my day-to-day life… Yet, sometimes I feel that either I’m wrong or everyone else is…

Not intending to offend anyone… but honestly … after reading something from someone I thought would have similar views as me, I just felt a bit of shock… And so, here I am… wondering where I belong… You see, there are cases where people don’t follow the basic Islamic laws… I don’t too… Yes, I don’t follow them 100%… But I don’t pull someone back from following it, or if they have an opinion that is based completely on Islamic point of view, then I appreciate it and pray that Allah guides me to follow it too… Whereas, when it comes to me, I mostly get an opposing reaction and that too from almost everyone who comes to know about it… There first reaction is:  “Why don’t you abstain from other things as well?” … Where “other things” are the things that are done by me and them as well and it happens when I decide to abstain from something that I haven’t done and intend not to do either but is something that they are doing … and hence when they find out my views, they oppose me… Honestly, why?

Why can’t we appreciate it when someone is taking the right step and encourage them instead of pulling them back?  making them feel isolated and make them feel like they are doing a crime by doing the right thing?  Why is it so hard?  Why… Why… Why… and so many other whys…

I feel like being stuck…stuck among people who talk about Islam but don’t follow it… and who pull back those who try to follow it… And then I feel like I’m someone from another time… Like I don’t belong here… Like something is wrong with me… and more with my heart and mind who don’t digest what people around me say… that my heart keeps feeling guilty until I end up doing the right thing… it must be on the wrong side… or I must be wrong… And perhaps I am… For in today’s time, being right is wrong… being enslaved to Creator is wrong… That’s what this society teaches me… the people, the “well-wishers” … And it feels like I will be walking this path alone … all the way… as long as HE is in my heart… I mean… the fact that I have managed to take all the hateful tone in comments of people I care about, just because I refuse to do something “worldly” … I guess it’s a proof… I must be right… that’s why I’m content?  Or I believe too much in the hereafter that the pain here seems to become because of the thought of doing right for sake of hereafter? … Either way… Being the sinner I was, and to an extent still am… I’ll simply quote the song “Numb” by “Linkin Park” … or maybe end by completely like “Unforgiven” by Metallica… b/c that’s exactly how I feel when it gets too much…  followed by “What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me”  – Somewhere I belong – Linkin Park …. Yes, I’m a sinner… I have listened to songs… and I still do… And you’ll say that Songs are haram too… Yes I know… And that is the reason that since I can no longer erase my memory, these lyrics have stayed in my mind… But I try to avoid as much as I can… Do you????

You’re only allowed to judge me 100% when you yourself are 100% pious and know me 100%… If either if these two qualities are less than 100%, then my dear friend, you should be praying to Allah to show us the right path instead of accusing me just because you’re corrupt yourself…

Deciding the already decided


Some decisions are hard to make… Not because they are hard, but simply because of the society we live in… The people we are meant to live with… They make it harder because of two reasons (I suppose)…. 1) because they aren’t strong enough to stand against the society or 2) because they too are like them (the society) …

So what should one do?  Listen to people or listen to the Creator? … Of course, listen to the Creator, end of discussion… I wish it was… Instead… It is the very reason to make it harder… Because unfortunately the society we live in….or at least one I live in and come across to… It only makes it harder… The moment you step up to do something for HIS sake, something that isn’t exactly in favour or pleasing to society, they start pointing you out your dozen other wrong deeds… They don’t encourage you to take this right step and keep taking more, INSTEAD, they pull you down… Remind you of all wrong steps you took etc…

Yes, I live in this Non-Islamic “Muslim” society…. Unfortunately… Or maybe fortunately, Allah knows better…  But here’s a request, if you truly fear Allah, your Creator… Then please don’t pull down someone who is trying to take a right step, just because you walk on the wrong path… Be true Muslim… Say MashA’llah and pray to Allah that HE helps him/her, and you, and this society in walking on the right path too…

As for me… Though for now I’m one against more like 99% of all females I know… Still, I intend to keep my decision… No shaping of eyebrows… Alhumdulillah mine don’t need… And yet people tell me that I should, esp when it will be the time of my marriage… And I don’t understand why? … Just because the media and makeup artists say it is important?? How???
Ok, I will if they promise to take responsibility and agree to be punished in hell because of it!!! Will they?? Nop… So why should I care??

& as I always have believed in Allah helping me through… Likewise it happened now… Almost at edge of changing my decision, unwillingly… I opened Twitter, though I hadn’t opened it in longest time… And there on my TL was this quote:

Never change who you are just because you’re afraid of losing them. If they really love you, your imperfections won’t matter.

Shukar Alhumdulillah… Yes, I’m a sinner not a saint… but I have no intention of increasing the load of my sins just because “some” people are influenced by “media” and their “definition of beauty”….
And the fact that I ended up seeing that quote is a proof that HE is happy with my decision too & wants me to stick to it InshA’llah 🙂

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