Being a mum is not easy. And it is full of everything; smiles, tears, joys, screams, frustration, pleasure – a complete package.
Yet, being a stay-at-home mum with minimum interaction with outside world, I have realized that motherhood is not bad in itself, but that society has made it as the toughest job. Society expects you to do everything without any help. And that’s probably the reason why we are having more and more messed up adults because a woman who is struggling through her emotions, depression, anxiety, identity crisis, and is shunned from talking about it and forced to become invisible cannot raise positive and strong and emotionally healthy kids no matter how much she wants to. You see, it takes two to create a baby and yet it is expected for only ONE to raise it. If a child does something good, parents are praised, but if a child is not behaving up to the standard, then the mum is to be blamed. Why?
Luckily, for once in the longest time, I get to type as soon as I want to express with no distractions – how cool is that? Haha… Just kidding… But anyway so while watering my orchid and seeing it die slowly, because I had been away for a while and nobody took care of it. So anyway, I realized that me watering it now is not going to bring it back to life. I mean, I can still water and try to save what’s left of it but I have to accept that some of it, the blooming flowers ARE going to wilt away BUT that doesn’t mean I need to stop taking care of it now. Because if I keep taking care of it, it will blossom back. I may have to see it without flowers for a while but they will grow back.
Now, marriage is kind of like that. In some cases we choose our spouse, where we nourish it from the beginning and manage to do so. But in cases of arrange marriage, it is like getting a flower plant for gift. You have to get to know it and take care of it. And at times you might be unable to take care of it the way it needs to and by the time you realize and start taking care of it again, it might be too late. Because the flowers are wilting away. BUT that doesn’t mean you should get rid of the plant just yet. As long as the root is alive and there is still some life left in it then keep taking care of it even if it means to do twice as much, but if you keep doing that, it WILL bloom again eventually.
So hold on, and keep taking care of yourself, your plants, and your loved ones!!
So, long time, no writing… nothing new in that anymore… same old story… except for that as I sit down to write again, I’m interrupted… and though my thoughts have stopped flowing through my fingers on to the keyboard, I still chose to write … hoping that the thoughts will come back… and while I do so, I stare out the window watching people walk past, cyclists and cars and buses on the road… while cool wind blows and makes this a pleasant summer night… And while amidst all this my brain remembers the past… the window of my bedroom back home… The room that was my sanctuary where I could ‘be me and express myself without any judgments; where I felt safe and secure and yet bold and confident… The room where I cried out my heart in the darkest hours of the night and yet woke up as if nothing had happened… And here I am, sitting in a room that is mine and yet, somehow, not mine …
I was at health center for my daughter’s one year review and when the lady asked me how I was doing, I just started speaking my heart out and words came flowing out… I told her how sometimes I so badly want to just give up and go away… And when she asked me where I would go? I replied, that go for hiking or climbing or camping… And her response was that I want to go into the open because keeping to myself is making me feel closed in a box and perhaps I should speak out and talk with someone… And it was in that moment I realized that perhaps she is right.
In my sanctuary, I was able to speak out… I was able to express… I wrote what I felt and let it all out… sometimes in blog and sometimes in my journal, but either way, I didn’t hold back… And now, I do… Being a stay-at-home in a new world where I don’t have any humans to talk to without using a filter, holding too much is indeed what is making me turn into a volcano, which when erupts only causes destruction…
So, what do I do? And what DID I do? I went out… I tried meeting other mums… and that is now making me feel more self-conscious! I felt like a small fish amongst big fishes… Whether it was how I looked, or dressed, or where I stood – and I can’t help but wonder how did I became this? I used to be so confident and never cared what others thought I dressed up like… Then why now? What is wrong with me? I wonder! And it feels like nothing yet everything… And before I can try and search that answer, I need to go take care of my little one… So until next time!! (hopefully I won’t be too long!)
And then there are times when you start to breathe again, live again and then a certain thing can make you suffocate all of a sudden… and even though there is light at the end of the tunnel, you may again feel like you are surrounded by darkness… And it can be real OR an illusion created by your fears… But the truth is that you have survived the darkness before and you can do it now too… and you will… and perhaps this darkness is what you need to fuel your inner spark instead of waiting for the sun to shine…
Like a camera… you have to stop depending on auto, and switch to manual, change all the settings and take a brighter picture even when the sun is setting!!