It is real. As real it can be. Like the setting of the sun, one can feel their *energy,* their *positivity,* their *beliefs,* all fading to black — all disappearing away as if they never were there. And you keep looking for it, but it’s like going in circles.
When I look back now, I can see how hard it was. But I’m happy and grateful that I survived through it. But most of all, grateful to know who really matters now. You see, people mostly curse the bad weather, the bad luck, problems, difficulties; but what they don’t realize is that in the end, these all will actually be the ones to help you know who your sincere friends are, who are your true well-wishers, who can you rely on in future.
I can remember struggling everyday. Everyday it would be same, difficulty getting up, not willing to go out or do anything, living like a zombie, and to make it worse, everyone telling me in someway or the other that i wasn’t doing right that the house is a mess, and I’m not feeding my son properly that’s why he doesn’t sleep because his tummy isn’t full, that he should be sitting by now or crawling by now, or doing this or doing that — errr, it was annoying to the core. To make it worse, my upcoming trip. I started being allergic to people yet I had to see them everyday, and I hated it, particularly the ones who made me feel more and more down while I was trying so damn hard to be lively, for the sake my son. He was the only ray of hope I had. I remember being so mad at times that I would snap in front of him, sometimes I would even want to hit him if he would cry just when I was breaking apart, but then I would look at him and shake myself and hug him and cry and apologize my munchkin for being such a bad mum. I remember trying to keep my condition hidden yet crying out for help but yet there were really few people who actually heard it, there were really few people who actually listened and understood and helped me through. And yet the ones I was really looking for to help me through, they were the ones who were too close yet too far. In fact, they were the first to push me further into the black-hole that I was so desperately wanting to escape from.
But now when I look back, I see myself being through hell, yet making it till here. The people who pushed me further into darkness are still here, and they somehow still push me but the difference is, that now I can handle and cope in a better way. Now I have created this wall which they may not see, but it helps me keep them away from entering my head. Though, at times they manage to get in through the cracks. But yet… It is much better. Much much MUCH better. And so I know, that postnatal depression is real but so is the fact that it will go away… You just need to take the first step of asking for help…
I am grateful for having few, but reliable people in my life along-with strangers who helped me through it. Of course it was part of their job; my support worker, my counselor, & my health visitor, but still I am grateful for them for taking out time to help me through, and for doing their job really well.
So here’s to those mums who are still fighting with depression, if you are reading this, know that you are not alone. You WILL get through it, you just have to hold on. Even if holding on means repeating each day the same way, still, hold on. This dark feeling will go away. Just don’t give up. Share it with your GP, share it with your family/friends. Don’t hesitate. AND DON’T LET THEIR JUDGEMENT AND LOOKING DOWN ON YOU EFFECT YOU. It won’t be easy, trust me, I know. It will be hard. Sometimes even your dear ones will judge you and probably try to shush you by saying you’re making a fuss. but DON’T GIVE UP. Think about you, and your child(ren). As long as they are healthy and happy, you’re doing great. Forget if house is a mess. Focus on yourself and your child(ren), everything else won’t matter.
And then, one day, the sun will shine back in your soul and everything will be calm and clean like after rain… and flowers will bloom again… So just hold on, have faith, and don’t give up. You’re not alone. I may not be with you but remember that somewhere in this world, probably even in your own neighborhood, there is someone, fighting the same battle as you, and some who have fought and won.