Missing words… fading into silence…


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Need I say more?  For past few months I have realized something about me … or life … don’t know … either way, I have realized that there comes a time in life where you realize that being silent is better than speaking out your mind… Though, I know that being me, I will end up speaking my mind anyway, even if it means blogging or posting on a social networking site… but I have learned… That when it comes to relations, one has to bend down… one has to chose to be silent unwillingly, accept other’s point of view… not because they are right… but because truth is bitter and not everyone can digest it … The only place you can speak your mind is where you know that other person will listen to you without getting hyper, where they will understand your point even if you run out of exact words… That’s what is important in relations… and that’s what you expect from relations… And when, the relations you expect to understand your missing words, they start to misunderstand you and judge you, all you can do is just chose silence… because you value the relation more than your ego or pride or truth … sometimes that relation needs to be saved, and if silence is what saves it then be it … Ever since I remember, I have imagined myself to have a loving, understanding partner who trusts and understands my missing words… My imaginary friend, my conscience that helps me be strong, taking a human form with whom I will spend the last days of my life … I don’t know if it will ever come true … just an imagination… but yet I always felt that no matter how much I imagine that, I will end up being silent, still seeking comfort with my imaginary friend when the world misunderstands me … But keeping my hope alive, I went on …. until… I realized… that over past few months, I have actually chosen to be silent… I’ve avoided discussions, arguments which can get intense and hyper and furious at the same time … Avoided confrontations as such… And now I don’t really know … What will future bring?  Will I spend the rest of time silencing myself, my views, or try to talk my heart out, even if I miss out the words that explain, and let Allah help my significant other understand those missing words?

Yes, I know … I miss words… badly… even more when I am talking rather than typing in a blogpost… But what can I do?  It took me two years to learn to talk, and it has taken me all this time to try to explain myself, my point of view, such that others understand it exactly and not misunderstand it…  At this point… nearly almost close to 30s, will I learn to explain or let silence, this negative thought to just become indifferent, take over me?  I don’t know … Life is too long to find out and yet too short to really bother… And yet, each time I feel this pain of being misunderstood and misheard, I seek prayer… knowing that… in my life, there is one… the Only Hope… My Lord… My Allah… My Best Friend… who will listen to me… understand me… who will see the meaning and point I have rather than the words I utter … The Only One who understands my silence, gives me faith and hope, makes me strong and bes there for me and lets me know that I’m loved in His special, unique way … So maybe… with passage of time… I might get old, I might become indifferent to the world… I might fade into silence for world… but for Him, I’ll always speak in weird confusing language, close my eyes and speak to Him… knowing that, He sees me… and smiles… And if its me dying silent when I’m old… Let it be … because for until then, now and always I have Him with me!

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